Andrew and I had a conversation about life on the way home from work the other night. it went something along the lines of working 9-5 and then getting to do what you wanted, or what you thought your calling was, the rest of the time. so I began thinking of what I was doing aside from work and was there any aspect of my life that was more about a desire or a calling than a job…after some consideration, I am going to say, no, there isn’t.
(part of this is due to the fact that every weekend we’re working on our house or even when we’re not, it’s almost that we feel guilty for not as there is still much to be done)
there are a few things that I’m involved in – and all three are things that I love and would like to get more involved in, but for some reason, for my own or others responsibility, I’m not more involved.
this is beginning to bother me and I wonder if I’m missing the point of life or rather living as a follower of Christ.
I really want to change the world, but probably, I’ll never be able to do that. In reality, changing my own little ‘world’ is not really happening either, so maybe I’m missing the bent of my course. There are still flutterings in my heart about working with youth, but I’ve come to realise, as soft as this may sound, that working with kids off the street is not for me, not my calling. I wasn’t ever one of those, and although I know without doubt that GOD would still use me there if HE wanted to, it’s to the kids who are already in church, already know something of GOD that I love. Sometimes it’s those kids who get overlooked cause someone thinks they don’t need as much help or they’ve got it all together, but as one of those kids, I found that I wished I had had the courage to ask for the help I needed, instead of being left behind cause I wasn’t one of the “bad” kids.
Then I have this sense of more being needed. How much of myself do I give and where is the line when you’ve tried enough and when they don’t respond or they don’t care, you save a bit of your heart by walking away? When I lived in America I knew tons of people, and had loads of people I would have called good friends, as well as several who would have mentored me at different points of my life. Here, my ‘good friend’ list is under 5 and having someone in my life who is a mature Christian and can offer advice or reminders is a distant dream. It’s growing my relationship with GOD, of course, as I have to combat the loneliness and frustration by turning to HIM allowing HIM to work in the gaps left. There is something more to fill my life I feel, something HE’s got that I can’t really see and just have glimmers of what it might be.
There are two areas in church that I’m involved – women’s ministry, and the sound team. now, not to be too controversial or offend anyone, let’s just say that I don’t think the areas in my life that GOD’s gifted me are being utilised. How do I change that? No one seems to want my thoughts or knowledge or expertise. Sometimes I wonder if it’s cause I’m female and that ‘girl’s don’t do PA’ which I’ve heard way too many times, or if I’m too new – a year and a half doesn’t make you a member in the country or if people just don’t want to know, which is fair enough.
All this is making me restless. I want to go somewhere and do some good. When I think of my bro and sis moving to Mongolia, Joanna going to Uganda in the summer, Brian in Ibiza, I want to go somewhere, see a different world, get a new perspective about mine and do something good somewhere.
Meanwhile, I’m here, supporting a few kids in Mongolia to go to school, a wee girl in Thailand, and buying fair-trade when it’s offered – hoping that something makes a difference to someone.
i just want to be a little bit different.
Christians should be trouble makers, creators of uncertainty, agents of a dimension incompatible with society. Jacques Ellul