Thursday 31 January 2008

making a difference - or not.

Andrew and I had a conversation about life on the way home from work the other night. it went something along the lines of working 9-5 and then getting to do what you wanted, or what you thought your calling was, the rest of the time. so I began thinking of what I was doing aside from work and was there any aspect of my life that was more about a desire or a calling than a job…after some consideration, I am going to say, no, there isn’t.

(part of this is due to the fact that every weekend we’re working on our house or even when we’re not, it’s almost that we feel guilty for not as there is still much to be done)

there are a few things that I’m involved in – and all three are things that I love and would like to get more involved in, but for some reason, for my own or others responsibility, I’m not more involved.

this is beginning to bother me and I wonder if I’m missing the point of life or rather living as a follower of Christ.

I really want to change the world, but probably, I’ll never be able to do that. In reality, changing my own little ‘world’ is not really happening either, so maybe I’m missing the bent of my course. There are still flutterings in my heart about working with youth, but I’ve come to realise, as soft as this may sound, that working with kids off the street is not for me, not my calling. I wasn’t ever one of those, and although I know without doubt that GOD would still use me there if HE wanted to, it’s to the kids who are already in church, already know something of GOD that I love. Sometimes it’s those kids who get overlooked cause someone thinks they don’t need as much help or they’ve got it all together, but as one of those kids, I found that I wished I had had the courage to ask for the help I needed, instead of being left behind cause I wasn’t one of the “bad” kids.

Then I have this sense of more being needed. How much of myself do I give and where is the line when you’ve tried enough and when they don’t respond or they don’t care, you save a bit of your heart by walking away? When I lived in America I knew tons of people, and had loads of people I would have called good friends, as well as several who would have mentored me at different points of my life. Here, my ‘good friend’ list is under 5 and having someone in my life who is a mature Christian and can offer advice or reminders is a distant dream. It’s growing my relationship with GOD, of course, as I have to combat the loneliness and frustration by turning to HIM allowing HIM to work in the gaps left. There is something more to fill my life I feel, something HE’s got that I can’t really see and just have glimmers of what it might be.

There are two areas in church that I’m involved – women’s ministry, and the sound team. now, not to be too controversial or offend anyone, let’s just say that I don’t think the areas in my life that GOD’s gifted me are being utilised. How do I change that? No one seems to want my thoughts or knowledge or expertise. Sometimes I wonder if it’s cause I’m female and that ‘girl’s don’t do PA’ which I’ve heard way too many times, or if I’m too new – a year and a half doesn’t make you a member in the country or if people just don’t want to know, which is fair enough.

All this is making me restless. I want to go somewhere and do some good. When I think of my bro and sis moving to Mongolia, Joanna going to Uganda in the summer, Brian in Ibiza, I want to go somewhere, see a different world, get a new perspective about mine and do something good somewhere.

Meanwhile, I’m here, supporting a few kids in Mongolia to go to school, a wee girl in Thailand, and buying fair-trade when it’s offered – hoping that something makes a difference to someone.

i just want to be a little bit different.


Christians should be trouble makers, creators of uncertainty, agents of a dimension incompatible with society. Jacques Ellul

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

mmm....

Maybe you do need to get out...or away???? and look in.......???

Nelson Mandela:
There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.

or maybe you could stay?....Are u the same eye-lash that you were 1 1/2 yrs ago?....maybe now you've changed on the inside and are, only now, ready to change some stuff outside????

PS i think you're great

Maybe u should get off ur butt and do something../....anything???

Dr. Denis Waitley: Change
There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.
The e-ferg i know doesnt just sit around on her butt?....what ya waitin for???

PS i love ur texts of love 2me...they make me smile :)

Maybe ? ya need to :Choose a different kind of weather in your head....

Williams
The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.

Maybe its only really now the TIME...as in Gods perfect time ...

Hab 2:3
...This vision-message is a witness
pointing to what's coming.
It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait!
And it doesn't lie.
If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It's on its way. It will come RIGHT ON TIME.

So…..MAYBE JUST....try to 'grow' in the 'slow'....(how rare am i!!!...ha ha!!!)

Psalm 27:14 (new American version for you)
Wait for the LORD;Be strong and let your heart take courage;Yes, wait for the LORD.

....so maybe ....
its gonna take time b4 u will start shining like the star you KNOW/think you are?....and anyway...name me one other masterpiece that took a split second to create????


i don't know,
hugs+crystal bubbles,
Jan :0)

PS See you at cell ;0)
.....Maybe?! hmmmm??!!! ;oP

non-metaphysical stephen said...

That Ellul quote is one of my favorites. You might also like this one, which complements it:

"The biblical God lets us make our own history, and goes with us on the more or less unheard-of adventures we concoct."

So then, what should we do? =)

KFen said...

very thought provoking, E. I know that He will use you right where you are, and if that's not His plan, He will lead you to the right places.

Rev Harold said...

My favorite Britt said life is what happens when your making other plans. Take pleasure/satisfaction in the little things as well as the big. Practice paitience which is easy to say but hard to do. It will happen! Harold

Jonathan said...

you save the world by being a really good wife, sister and daughter.

oh, and if you need to do anything else you're welcome anytime to say "aye!" and become head of +edu ireland. we're restructuring and being head of your own satellite just got easier. you can have a business card if you want. =)

Mr. Moo said...

If you ever feel led to planting yourselves in a 'traditional' church I know of one just down the road in Aghalee that would love your skills and giftings!

Sometimes I look with envy at new churches that use Wesleyan theology with lots of 'young professionals' as members... So much talent and energy, that could (under God, and with a big dose of grace and patience) reinvigorate hundreds of congregations.

Love God, love your neighbour as yourself. If I could even do that I might be making a difference.

peteroberts said...

Stay hungry, seek a God vision for both of you, faith will rise as we wait etc
I remember being in a similar place feeling no one understood and having to tough it out. I was up all times during the night calling on God, fasting, intense worship times, praying in tougues for 15 mins and then writing down what I thought God was saying and when I look back I think, yeah God got my attention, helped me reprioritise, focus even and what I learnt and this is just me Eilis is that He just wants me for who I am and I don't have to do jmnust be..............then he gave me stuff to do, open doors etc
Thanks for comments on my blogg maybe jen and I can connect with you guys?
Keep seeking
Pete

dave wiggins said...

that's very honest of you mate. hearing your frustrations. don't know what to say and not really up to me. keep seeking hard?

Anonymous said...

Hey, I, too, am all for big adventures and offering whatever I can claim to help anyone near or far. :) You´ve got all my empathy here.

As for being a follower of Christ, I am reminded of all those "undiscovered" 29-30 yrs. of silent preparation and daily, dull or ordinary work that Our Lord must have gone through, even if only to set a good example for us at times like these. Talk about the biggest mission ever on earth and in Heaven that had to be kept under wraps, as it were, but wait and carry on he did. For my part,I`m soooo glad for that!

Anyway, perhaps you will indeed be called away to a different place, or mazbe a different job in the same place somewhere soon--who knows. :) Sounds like you´re in your own desert time right now? (Just my guess there, but after all, this is Lent!) Until that time when you are given a new assignment of sorts, may I humbly recommend offering up every day every ordinary task to your Jesus. Ask Him to work with you in every mundane task and circumstance so that you, too, might be ready to leave the desert and start anew at home or elsewhere when it is time. You´re definitelz willing and have a huge heart, so when the timing is right, picking up and moving along will be easy. :)

Sorry to go on, but Í assure you that you are in good company with so many others, even though it may not feel that way right now. I do understand the desire to get going on something, and I "know you know" this, but I´ll just close with the obviousÖ Go ahead and ask away for the gift of joy in waiting and in the ordinary. Just like the desert, it doesn´t look like there´s a lot going on at first glance, until you really start to notice it teeming with life in its own way. When you´re ready to leap, guess Who will be there to take you to the next cool task? It will come! Keep it up! :)