Friday 23 December 2011

early morning 23.12.11

In lying awake for several hours tonight and mulling over my sorrow with the Lord, I was reminded of a moment I had on Cave Hill all those years ago before moving here. I said to God that my heart would break and I would be broken if I moved here. He said, no, it was His heart and He that would break. If I would stand on Him, the shock waves wouldn't break me, but would go through me to Him.

8 years on from that moment I feel like I'm breaking. The reason I thought I was supposed to live here has never materialised; the things I think I can offer, no one wants. Do I feel like I'm breaking cause I'm trying to 'do it myself'? Am I really not letting God take the hit and am relying on myself?

I don't even know what to do to try and 'fix' things. In 3 months I'm going to become a mother. A mother in what very much seems to be an isolated existence. How did missionaries do it when they were completely by themselves and the only 'normal' communication they had was a letter that took months to reach them? Well, they did it by relying wholly on the Lord, so I must continue to try and learn that, focus on that, and have that be the reason for all.

And hope in doing that I find the comfort the Psalmist found when He wrote: 'He will not let your foot slip, behold He who keeps you will neither slumber nor sleep.'

1 comment:

Mr. Piper said...

Your post prompted some pensive consideration and I felt, humbly, inclined to respond with two quotes from an incredible novel, Zorba the Greek.

"You must certainly consider the life you lead a happy one. Since you consider such, such it is."

"How the soul of man is transformed according to the climate, the silence, the solitude, or the company in which it keeps."

Be well.