In lying awake for several hours tonight and mulling over my sorrow with the Lord, I was reminded of a moment I had on Cave Hill all those years ago before moving here. I said to God that my heart would break and I would be broken if I moved here. He said, no, it was His heart and He that would break. If I would stand on Him, the shock waves wouldn't break me, but would go through me to Him.
8 years on from that moment I feel like I'm breaking. The reason I thought I was supposed to live here has never materialised; the things I think I can offer, no one wants. Do I feel like I'm breaking cause I'm trying to 'do it myself'? Am I really not letting God take the hit and am relying on myself?
I don't even know what to do to try and 'fix' things. In 3 months I'm going to become a mother. A mother in what very much seems to be an isolated existence. How did missionaries do it when they were completely by themselves and the only 'normal' communication they had was a letter that took months to reach them? Well, they did it by relying wholly on the Lord, so I must continue to try and learn that, focus on that, and have that be the reason for all.
And hope in doing that I find the comfort the Psalmist found when He wrote: 'He will not let your foot slip, behold He who keeps you will neither slumber nor sleep.'