cultivating when I grow up...
Whenever I was younger I wanted to be a lot of different things. There's a picture of me about aged 5 dressed in a paramedic jacket and a hard hat in the Children's Museum in Mpls. Then I wanted to be a baseball player like Kirby Puckett...only I wasn't short, round, or black...hmmmm, this meant I needed to choose another career.
The ideas were from one side of the spectrum to another, from being a teacher, an architect, a fighter pilot, a doctor, a nurse, in the army, a business woman, a writer, a translator, a paramedic, a linguist...
And now I am a civil servant, I work in an office most days, dealing with a utility industry and bemoaning the fact that I still wonder what I want to be when I grow up. One thing I have discovered about myself through all this is that I actually LIKE change. Yes, odd, isn't it? After being in my current job for only three years, I wonder about doing something else. Yet one of the things about the civil service that I dislike, is the fact that one is moved every several years to a different post in order to gain more stills so one can move to the next grade level. I would prefer to gain knowledge in an area and then be promoted on merit as I am more useful to the company. No such luck here.
As I think about what I do and what about my job attracts me, I wonder if it's just that I feel like it's useful and I'm (slightly) making a difference. In reality, I struggle to be inside the bulk of the day, and I want to be doing something that is changing the Kingdom of God.
I've decided recently that I'm going to start learning to do new things or reinforce some things that I already know and want to be able to do again or do more fully. Seeing as I am not sure "what I'm supposed to be when I grow up", I'm going to teach myself how to do new things and see what happens.
like knitting and going back to studying languages and get stuck into 'studying' the Bible rather than just 'reading' the Bible.
Saturday 18 September 2010
Thursday 2 September 2010
days like this
There are days when the smallest things hit me like a tonne of bricks. And days when nothing touches me. Today was a bizarre combination of the two.
I had two quite serious meetings at work today. One involved my Director (the head of my Division) and a Director and the Chief Exec of the company with which we do business. It was a necessary meeting. But it shouldn't have happened. The work should have been carried out at lower levels without having to get these two men involved. But the work didn't happen, and so the meeting. It was rather uncomfortable at times. My boss making the case, their Director making the case against it. Me bringing some facts to the table and then their CE quietly telling their Director what they were going to do and basically pulled rank (as he should be able to do) and agreed to do what we said they must do. So a result, but an awkward one. I don't like seeing people put into that position where someone else has to put them down into their place. Especially as this Director is nearly 30 years my senior and very senior to me in work terms.
The other meeting involved the same company, only different staff. It started at 1400 and I left at 1615 while the meeting was still going on! It was useful information, but what was must more useful was the information they didn't 'try' to give, those comments that are dropped in conversation that aren't looked for.
The whole experience today was tiring. And I got home and got some news that hit me like a tonne of bricks. It was something I was neither expecting to hear, nor have the effect on me that it did. That was a surprise, and I don't like to be surprised at how I respond to things. For a moment I thought I had lost hope. But that is silly. There is no reason to do that. Especially when in reality I'm very pleased by this news...it just was also difficult to hear.
So I'm at the end of the day. I'm tired, I feel like I'm running on empty. And tomorrow is another day of it. Good thing it's the weekend, but my goodness I almost feel like I need a good cry.
I had two quite serious meetings at work today. One involved my Director (the head of my Division) and a Director and the Chief Exec of the company with which we do business. It was a necessary meeting. But it shouldn't have happened. The work should have been carried out at lower levels without having to get these two men involved. But the work didn't happen, and so the meeting. It was rather uncomfortable at times. My boss making the case, their Director making the case against it. Me bringing some facts to the table and then their CE quietly telling their Director what they were going to do and basically pulled rank (as he should be able to do) and agreed to do what we said they must do. So a result, but an awkward one. I don't like seeing people put into that position where someone else has to put them down into their place. Especially as this Director is nearly 30 years my senior and very senior to me in work terms.
The other meeting involved the same company, only different staff. It started at 1400 and I left at 1615 while the meeting was still going on! It was useful information, but what was must more useful was the information they didn't 'try' to give, those comments that are dropped in conversation that aren't looked for.
The whole experience today was tiring. And I got home and got some news that hit me like a tonne of bricks. It was something I was neither expecting to hear, nor have the effect on me that it did. That was a surprise, and I don't like to be surprised at how I respond to things. For a moment I thought I had lost hope. But that is silly. There is no reason to do that. Especially when in reality I'm very pleased by this news...it just was also difficult to hear.
So I'm at the end of the day. I'm tired, I feel like I'm running on empty. And tomorrow is another day of it. Good thing it's the weekend, but my goodness I almost feel like I need a good cry.
Saturday 21 August 2010
sometimes we just need a bit of nature...
While away with work, my colleague decided we needed to stop here and realise there is more to life than our jobs....
work v life
It's been a really hectic last number of months. I've come to find that my current bit of life revolves around my job - something that has never occurred before.
Responsibility is up, as are my stress levels (another job aspect that is new). The past couple weeks have been a bit of a discovery time: 1) always cover your own back (eg keep all correspondence so when your boss wants a history of your project you can go back to everything. 2) people don't tend to like you if you're telling them to do something they don't want to do. even if you're bound by law to tell them and they're bound by law to do it.
On the other side of all this stress has been the absolute joy to work with a 'new' colleague. Unfortunately, my new colleague doesn't work in office, so although we talk on the phone nearly every day, we're not normally face to face. I've never before met someone and immediately wanted them to be my boss. This man is that person. But out of a work relationship has built a really lovely friendship. Even more so that his wife and my husband have come into it and we've moved past "work" to become friends. Makes keeping work, work quite interesting, but I can cope with that.
The downside of all this is that work has really taken over in ways it hasn't before. Way more hours than desired, although necessary to get certain aspects done, and thus the non-work aspects of life have sort of fallen by the way-side.
Work / life balance needs some focus.
Responsibility is up, as are my stress levels (another job aspect that is new). The past couple weeks have been a bit of a discovery time: 1) always cover your own back (eg keep all correspondence so when your boss wants a history of your project you can go back to everything. 2) people don't tend to like you if you're telling them to do something they don't want to do. even if you're bound by law to tell them and they're bound by law to do it.
On the other side of all this stress has been the absolute joy to work with a 'new' colleague. Unfortunately, my new colleague doesn't work in office, so although we talk on the phone nearly every day, we're not normally face to face. I've never before met someone and immediately wanted them to be my boss. This man is that person. But out of a work relationship has built a really lovely friendship. Even more so that his wife and my husband have come into it and we've moved past "work" to become friends. Makes keeping work, work quite interesting, but I can cope with that.
The downside of all this is that work has really taken over in ways it hasn't before. Way more hours than desired, although necessary to get certain aspects done, and thus the non-work aspects of life have sort of fallen by the way-side.
Work / life balance needs some focus.
Tuesday 10 August 2010
living
sitting in an office building. it's grim, there is little light, the people around me are not friends, the light coming in through the window filters through the multi-story car park. it's sometimes interesting, sometimes fun, rarely boring. but is it life?
they're selfish, they're lazy, they don't like You, they don't like what You want. they laugh at me for loving You and trying to live like You.
but across the road sits my friend in heartbreak. next to me sits a man who isn't well but lives in disappointment and long buried hopes.
why do we live the way the world says we should. why does he sit next to me in hate of his job and not do anything about it? why do i sit inside when I'd prefer to live outside?
why does this land laugh at You and when did we loose the knowledge of what it is to love and grieve and live?
in the garden?
they're selfish, they're lazy, they don't like You, they don't like what You want. they laugh at me for loving You and trying to live like You.
but across the road sits my friend in heartbreak. next to me sits a man who isn't well but lives in disappointment and long buried hopes.
why do we live the way the world says we should. why does he sit next to me in hate of his job and not do anything about it? why do i sit inside when I'd prefer to live outside?
why does this land laugh at You and when did we loose the knowledge of what it is to love and grieve and live?
in the garden?
Sunday 8 August 2010
Either side of the coin.
My brother and belle-soeur are having a bébé in a couple months. I can't wait to meet this wee child, and am so thrilled they will be in La France for the naissance. While we don't know if it's a garçon or fille yet, I am so ready to buy wee clothes for le petit chou. Newborn clothes are SO tiny, it's hard to imagine that the wee pieds that will be small enough to be in these socks will someday be big enough to walk through la vie and run this race we face.
Some days that race is more cross-country than road race. There is no smoothness and the mud and muck pulls at your feet and causes stumbles and slips. It amazes me sometimes to think of what life brings us from birth to death. How little we realise those decisions are so crucial. That love of His is so necessary. Necessary for us to leave the legacy of peace and gentleness, of love and not bitterness.
My dear friend's Grandma died yesterday. Mimi....what a woman she was, oh aye, perhaps she didn't always choose the right thing, I recognise the humanity. But I loved the woman. The rather eccentric, electric, gentle, proper, ladylike and funny woman. The woman who had lived through success and failure, and walked out the other side in elegant poise.
So here I live in the middle these two sides of the coin. Pre-birth and post-death....I hope to see you both some time.
Friday 6 August 2010
Recently, I've come to the realisation that my life is very secular. Not necessarily me in my life, but the world around me. As my life goes around my job (wholly secular) and I have so few friends here, especially ones who I would want to pick up the habits of, there isn't a lot around me that focuses on Christ, or living like Him.
From the standpoint of my whole life, this is a new aspect. I can remember a conversation (argument?) I had with someone who had been a friend and was walking away. She accused me of living in a Christian bubble. My family was Christian, I went to church, worked at this church, and most of my friends were Christian. I ever though this was a bad thing. I still don't. But as I look at my life now, I realise how those years were really building a foundation of how to respond and I've and love. What a great blessing that I was privileged enough to have that time of solid building so that now, when good, Godly conversation is slim, Godly back-up (at least here) is non-existent, I have those principles to lean on. Don't get me wrong, I'm making plenty of mistakes, but feel as if I'm going forward, even as I make them.
From the standpoint of my whole life, this is a new aspect. I can remember a conversation (argument?) I had with someone who had been a friend and was walking away. She accused me of living in a Christian bubble. My family was Christian, I went to church, worked at this church, and most of my friends were Christian. I ever though this was a bad thing. I still don't. But as I look at my life now, I realise how those years were really building a foundation of how to respond and I've and love. What a great blessing that I was privileged enough to have that time of solid building so that now, when good, Godly conversation is slim, Godly back-up (at least here) is non-existent, I have those principles to lean on. Don't get me wrong, I'm making plenty of mistakes, but feel as if I'm going forward, even as I make them.
Thursday 24 December 2009
Happy Christmas
It's below freezing...has been for the past several days...ice on the roads, snow in the garden...only a couple more hours until we phone in the webcam to the US Parents and join in with the Christmas Eve celebrations.
Happy Christmas!
Happy Christmas!
Friday 6 November 2009
training
it's good to get another perspective and hash through training with people who know what you're talking about when you're mentioning repeats, lap times and core stability.
slowly slowly my head is starting to come out of the McKenzie cloud. i'm training again...slowly trying to build some speed...my back is bad these days and it's keing me from doing anything too serious. frustrating.
i might try to see a different physio.
meanwhile, tonight was a race against the darkness as now it's 'night' at 17.15.
4 x 5.30min
2min rest
warm up
cool down.
tired. but a good tired.
slowly slowly my head is starting to come out of the McKenzie cloud. i'm training again...slowly trying to build some speed...my back is bad these days and it's keing me from doing anything too serious. frustrating.
i might try to see a different physio.
meanwhile, tonight was a race against the darkness as now it's 'night' at 17.15.
4 x 5.30min
2min rest
warm up
cool down.
tired. but a good tired.
Wednesday 28 October 2009
motivation
The last couple months have been odd. Not in a bad way, just....well... in an odd way.
We spent most of sept in America for our holiday. It was good but seriously thought provoking.
I ran a 31mile trail race at the beginning of the holiday. Was gutted about the performance and didn't run the rest of the month. I struggled (am struggling) with this one. Came home without a whole lot of motivation or ideas of what to do about training. My back wasn't great so there wasn't a whole lot I could do.
Then last weekend I ended up talking for a couple hours to someone I don't really know about running and training. It was a great laugh, even if it meant standing in the rain for 5 hours. And something about that discussion has given me back my training motivation. Odd how motivation can come from the most unexpected places. I still need to sort out some things in my head, but it's great to have a bit more focus.
Need to remember I come from Track Town USA.
We spent most of sept in America for our holiday. It was good but seriously thought provoking.
I ran a 31mile trail race at the beginning of the holiday. Was gutted about the performance and didn't run the rest of the month. I struggled (am struggling) with this one. Came home without a whole lot of motivation or ideas of what to do about training. My back wasn't great so there wasn't a whole lot I could do.
Then last weekend I ended up talking for a couple hours to someone I don't really know about running and training. It was a great laugh, even if it meant standing in the rain for 5 hours. And something about that discussion has given me back my training motivation. Odd how motivation can come from the most unexpected places. I still need to sort out some things in my head, but it's great to have a bit more focus.
Need to remember I come from Track Town USA.
Saturday 29 August 2009
Wednesday 26 August 2009
Anne
There stood Anne and Diana,gazing bashfully at each other over a clump of gorgeous tiger lilies. "Oh, Diana," said Anne at last, clasping her hands and speaking almost in a whisper, "oh, do you think you can like me a little--enough to be my bosom friend?"
Three years ago we moved. It wasn't a major move, so I thought. What's thirty miles of good road between friends? But with no car and no way of travelling the miles myself, I discovered that thirty miles was enough to end what I thought were friendships and turned out to be acquaintances. I was crushed. Yet what is to be done? You move on and keep living. I met people here and there, thought I was making friends, and discovered once again that growing up in a different country, with no family ties here, I was on the outside.
Continuing my desperate prayer for a friend, I have made a few in the past several months that have potential. But I'm wary. Tired of giving myself to people who will walk away when the novelty wears off. People who go back to those they've known their whole lives.
Then I met Anne. She's not really called Anne, but it suits her, and me. For she's Anne to my Diana. It is rare to find a true friend. Rarer still to realise the friendship at the first meeting. I am blessed by this friendship. Sometimes it seems that it is a fault that I can't seem to be "friends" with people. Am I too serious? Not shallow, frivolous enough? I know I do not hold "normal" conversations well. I want to know about the person I'm with, not have to talk about someone else or gossip about so and so. Maybe because I'm an outsider people don't want that type of friendship.
But here I am met. Soul to Soul. It is as if we've spent years getting over the shallows and have jumped straight into the deep, only without the years of historical getting to know you.
This friendship is worship - it's seeing God. His beauty and life and love. The seriousness of knowing Him in the heart of another and showing Him in my heart is here. In the laughter and fun and joy - and will probably be in tears and sorrow at some point. Oh, I know there will be more, year of this beauty. I haven't been told, but I know.
"Well, did you find Diana a kindred spirit?" asked Marilla as they went up through the garden of Green Gables. "Oh yes," sighed Anne.
Three years ago we moved. It wasn't a major move, so I thought. What's thirty miles of good road between friends? But with no car and no way of travelling the miles myself, I discovered that thirty miles was enough to end what I thought were friendships and turned out to be acquaintances. I was crushed. Yet what is to be done? You move on and keep living. I met people here and there, thought I was making friends, and discovered once again that growing up in a different country, with no family ties here, I was on the outside.
Continuing my desperate prayer for a friend, I have made a few in the past several months that have potential. But I'm wary. Tired of giving myself to people who will walk away when the novelty wears off. People who go back to those they've known their whole lives.
Then I met Anne. She's not really called Anne, but it suits her, and me. For she's Anne to my Diana. It is rare to find a true friend. Rarer still to realise the friendship at the first meeting. I am blessed by this friendship. Sometimes it seems that it is a fault that I can't seem to be "friends" with people. Am I too serious? Not shallow, frivolous enough? I know I do not hold "normal" conversations well. I want to know about the person I'm with, not have to talk about someone else or gossip about so and so. Maybe because I'm an outsider people don't want that type of friendship.
But here I am met. Soul to Soul. It is as if we've spent years getting over the shallows and have jumped straight into the deep, only without the years of historical getting to know you.
This friendship is worship - it's seeing God. His beauty and life and love. The seriousness of knowing Him in the heart of another and showing Him in my heart is here. In the laughter and fun and joy - and will probably be in tears and sorrow at some point. Oh, I know there will be more, year of this beauty. I haven't been told, but I know.
"Well, did you find Diana a kindred spirit?" asked Marilla as they went up through the garden of Green Gables. "Oh yes," sighed Anne.
Saturday 22 August 2009
inspiration needed here.
i spent some time looking at the archives of this blog and realised that i haven't written anything, i mean 'properly' written anything in a long time. there used to be someone that commented on my blog who inspired me, and then i stopped writing things from my soul and they stopped leaving comments. it's strange how life moves. maybe i just have no creativity in me anymore - it certainly seems to have dried up. but then maybe it's cause i just used to sit down with a blank sheet and a pen and write, and i don't do that anymore.
maybe if i wrote i would have inspiration? maybe if i read things other than legislation and policy papers i would have inspiration?
i have always wanted to read thoreau's walden and for some reason never have. so i am going to start reading it and see if it inspires anything...
maybe if i wrote i would have inspiration? maybe if i read things other than legislation and policy papers i would have inspiration?
i have always wanted to read thoreau's walden and for some reason never have. so i am going to start reading it and see if it inspires anything...
just weeks now
In 17 days, after 400 days away, I will be seeing my family!
Hurrah!!
and then I will see this beautiful pool, and then celebrate with a pack of coyotes.
again, I say HURRAH!
Saturday 15 August 2009
blogging
surely everyone who has a blog goes through times when they don't blog and the blog sits online without an update for ages....yes, this one has been like that. I tend to think that my life isn't exciting enough to blog about. but the i read my friends' blogs i love that they write about their daily lives and tell about what they do and the things their kids say.
maybe i should try that - to bring more of my daily life into this blog and wait less for my brief and far between moments of brilliance.
these last couple months have been really busy. work has been, well, a bit difficult. certain co-workers have been hard to adjust to and have working alongside me. I've been given quite a bit more responsibility on my projects. Sometimes I think this is great, and other times (mostly those times when I'm having to do my work and others on top of my own) the extra work/responsibility isn't so nice. but I've been working with some interesting and helpful people all over the United Kingdom and able to go over to meetings in London and Edinburgh - long days, but good craic.
I've also been using up loads of spare time running. specifically training for an ultra-marathon (50k), which is on the 12 Sept in Oregon. it's already nerve-wracking just thinking about it, but i'm sure once i get there on the day it'll be grand. the training has been fun and very difficult but enjoyable. this race is one i've been wanting to do for a long time and i'm glad there is the chance.
hopefully this'll be the start of more frequent posts.
speak soon.
maybe i should try that - to bring more of my daily life into this blog and wait less for my brief and far between moments of brilliance.
these last couple months have been really busy. work has been, well, a bit difficult. certain co-workers have been hard to adjust to and have working alongside me. I've been given quite a bit more responsibility on my projects. Sometimes I think this is great, and other times (mostly those times when I'm having to do my work and others on top of my own) the extra work/responsibility isn't so nice. but I've been working with some interesting and helpful people all over the United Kingdom and able to go over to meetings in London and Edinburgh - long days, but good craic.
I've also been using up loads of spare time running. specifically training for an ultra-marathon (50k), which is on the 12 Sept in Oregon. it's already nerve-wracking just thinking about it, but i'm sure once i get there on the day it'll be grand. the training has been fun and very difficult but enjoyable. this race is one i've been wanting to do for a long time and i'm glad there is the chance.
hopefully this'll be the start of more frequent posts.
speak soon.
Sunday 12 April 2009
new life
it's a beautiful morning. a morning for enjoying company and sitting in the quiet listening to the birds and the sun. sitting next to you drinking tea in the morning and first breakfast, before we walk to the village and enjoy the quiet and the rustle of the countryside.
i am here, drinking a cup of mariage frères tea and missing You.
i've been away. my mind has been restless and wandering. rather than keep my feet, i've missed the stability of wandering with You.
It's a dangerous business, stepping out your front door. You never know where'll you'll be swept off to.
the danger isn't being swept away, the danger is sitting and becoming stagnant. it's time i started moving again. like the dead marshes and their creeping mould, i've let this place drag me into isolation and dormancy.
it's the simple things that lift the heart and bring the soul back into alignment.
morning has broken.
i am here, drinking a cup of mariage frères tea and missing You.
i've been away. my mind has been restless and wandering. rather than keep my feet, i've missed the stability of wandering with You.
It's a dangerous business, stepping out your front door. You never know where'll you'll be swept off to.
the danger isn't being swept away, the danger is sitting and becoming stagnant. it's time i started moving again. like the dead marshes and their creeping mould, i've let this place drag me into isolation and dormancy.
it's the simple things that lift the heart and bring the soul back into alignment.
morning has broken.
Monday 2 February 2009
tamolitch
sunset.
dusk shadows are playing across the water
i can see you, but i wait,
motionless.
watching the birds dart as the insects skit along the surface.
behind me i can hear the rush of the rapids
but here,
here,
all is quiet.
the pool is more than just blue.
it's depths are black, edged in gold as the sun flickers through the trees.
green flirts with the edges as the water settles into the cliff's shadow.
blue breaks as a black shape cracks the surface.
the bird splashes and skitters along, then dives again.
i hear my song as the water bubbles over the pebbles and then crashes down as it gathers momentum on the rocks below me.
sunset crescendos
dusk falls
trail beckons
i will return.
dusk shadows are playing across the water
i can see you, but i wait,
motionless.
watching the birds dart as the insects skit along the surface.
behind me i can hear the rush of the rapids
but here,
here,
all is quiet.
the pool is more than just blue.
it's depths are black, edged in gold as the sun flickers through the trees.
green flirts with the edges as the water settles into the cliff's shadow.
blue breaks as a black shape cracks the surface.
the bird splashes and skitters along, then dives again.
i hear my song as the water bubbles over the pebbles and then crashes down as it gathers momentum on the rocks below me.
sunset crescendos
dusk falls
trail beckons
i will return.
Wednesday 31 December 2008
Saturday 29 November 2008
scraps
It’s unclear whether of not wisdom comes with age. For the older I become the more confused and unwise I feel. Would it be wiser to break all ties with the world and protect a pained heart? Would it be wiser to show that broken object to you, giving you the possibility of bruising it even more? Is there wisdom in trust? Does wisdom come really from life, or is it what happens in life that gives it? I wonder, is wisdom offered, given, or granted? Does one have to accept it?
Blinding whiteness.
Stunning the senses and sending the head reeling into saffron and crimson.
Sparkling across paradise and passion
Light sends her caress to the earth.
Waking in the dawning, the colours are shown.
Brilliancy yet to be born
As brief glimpses wink through the trees.
Help me LORD
For I'm drowning in YOUR love.
This desire for more of YOU is over-whelming my soul.
Cover me, LORD. Kill me with YOUR grace.
Pave the way so my life can take more of YOU.
Open the floods onto my heart as I crave more passion
Beyond anything I've known before.
i seem to have lost my ability to write and finish anything. it's all frustrating scraps of .... of something. there comes a point in the writing and i have nothing left in my head, but the lines gape and end without an ending. what have i lost? or what have i gained that doesn't allow for the finishing?
Blinding whiteness.
Stunning the senses and sending the head reeling into saffron and crimson.
Sparkling across paradise and passion
Light sends her caress to the earth.
Waking in the dawning, the colours are shown.
Brilliancy yet to be born
As brief glimpses wink through the trees.
Help me LORD
For I'm drowning in YOUR love.
This desire for more of YOU is over-whelming my soul.
Cover me, LORD. Kill me with YOUR grace.
Pave the way so my life can take more of YOU.
Open the floods onto my heart as I crave more passion
Beyond anything I've known before.
i seem to have lost my ability to write and finish anything. it's all frustrating scraps of .... of something. there comes a point in the writing and i have nothing left in my head, but the lines gape and end without an ending. what have i lost? or what have i gained that doesn't allow for the finishing?
thanksgiving 08
in honour of the coyotes i got up this morning and ran my own turkey stuffer in 29F weather it may have been slow, but it was inspiring.
then came home, baked an apple and pumpkin pie, prepped stuffing, sweet potatoes and the turkey.
11.30 turkey in oven. dishes done. table getting set.
happy thanksgiving.
then came home, baked an apple and pumpkin pie, prepped stuffing, sweet potatoes and the turkey.
11.30 turkey in oven. dishes done. table getting set.
happy thanksgiving.
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